His desire to be in the mix is a bit macho in some manner, but it goes deeper than that and is hard to explain to those who haven't been. Not a slam against anyone, but it is so. As much as we long for home when "embracing the suck", it is often something that many miss when home. When in such environments, there is a certain clarity to life and your senses with environment around you and the tough brotherly love, camaraderie and concern that is shared by the men beside you that produces feelings that are difficult to let go of in a perverse way. One of the hardest things I have done in this life of mine, was to take of my uniform for the last time after 22 years, knowing that my soldiers were going back again without me.