Well, to be honest, I have to admit to having tried Veet Hair Removal Creme but, like many other first time users, I made the mistake of not reading the bumph properly; I used the whole tube and completely coated my nether regions, bottom and nipples with the stuff. Anyway, I lost track of time, and it was the foul stench of dissolving flesh and melting hair that brought me to my senses.
As I looked at my watch through the putrid fog that had formed around me, I could see that it had been applied for exactly 5 minutes 59 seconds; 2 minutes longer than the max.
This presented me with a problem, as when the searing pain began, I was outside my flat, sat in the communal gardens, in a deck chair precisely 100 metres and 3 flights of stairs away from my bathroom.
It was as if I had lowered my under carriage through a volcano and into Hades, whereupon Beelzebub, annoyed by the uninvited intrusion, jabbed me in the rectum with his fork.
I took off from the deckchair like Usain Bolt out of the TV adverts. Within 12 seconds, the bathroom was filled with the steamy foetid odour of hair being boiled in acid , and I had the Clock weights, Biffin’s bridge and Sherriff’s badge under ice cold running water at the tap end of the bath. This did not please the missus, as she was relaxing in there at the time surrounded by floating petals and candles, although she did say that the sight of my ringpiece flashing like a brake light was impressive, and she was pleased to see that my tag nuts had all but disappeared.
Let this be a warning to all members of a hirsute disposition, if you consider a little body topiary, I'd advise you to go for the razor everytime......