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Just a non-military related story I wrote, please read

Article about: This is in no way related to collecting or history at all, but I ask of you to not delete this thread as I am asking for constructive criticism regarding if I shall continue writing this sto

  1. #1

    Default Just a non-military related story I wrote, please read

    This is in no way related to collecting or history at all, but I ask of you to not delete this thread as I am asking for constructive criticism regarding if I shall continue writing this story further.

    Three years ago (I was 13!) I wrote this story and posted it on a story thread on a gaming related forum. I just found this story as I was walking down memory lane browsing through the forum which is now a ghost town. What I will now post is an improved and lengthened version of the story



    Frank looked down the hallway. Shaun had not yet returned. They had come to the hospital in search of shelter from the monsters. They thought that the hospital could be easy to barricade, there were seven floors if one counts the basement as one. All the lights were out, and he could hear the distant sounds of water dripping through the broken windows in the same floor he was in.
    -I found nothing in the surgery rooms-, Shaun had returned from his usual tour of the floor. He was not paranoid, it was now normal to search rooms in case one of those monsters had gotten in. They were in the third floor, but that did not make Shaun feel safe yet. -Do you think it would be safe to see if the second floor is clear?- Shaun was eager to explore the hospital, before the disease, one of his hobbies was to explore abandoned buildings. The whole city was now abandoned, and Shaun felt like home. Frank was not like that, he preferred to have people around him, he liked it when the building he was in was not abandoned. Now things are different and he can not have those things.

    It is now four months after the first infection. The man who had been bitten by a mosquito in Portugal was brought here when he was found outside his house vomiting blood. At first it seemed like a peptic ulcer, but when one night he jumped out of his hospital bed, ran out of the room and bit the first person he saw, the disease control teams were called in, a week after that, the military entered the city to control the situation. Two weeks later, all hope was lost.

    Frank and Shaun walked into the sixth floor where they had set up a basic safe room. The had all the needed to survive inside the hospital for three months without having to leave to scavenge for food. All was well, the barricades at the third floor had not been attempted to breach for a week now, and they presumed that the monsters had given up. The next day, they cleared the barricade, opened the doors and saw nothing. The staircase had bloodstains on the walls, and the door had bloody scratches as if someone had clawed on them and their fingernails had been torn off.

    They entered the stairwell carefully, making sure their every step was almost silent. Down the stairs, they were now at the door into the second floor. The door had a small window, and the room they saw was a big hall, large windows on the right side and benches lined up in front of a booth. -Reception room- Shaun said. The room seemed empty from the door, so they entered. Shaun went to the left, Frank to the right. No monsters in sight. Shaun moved towards a wooden door, -Lets check this room first-. Frank opened the door and they waited a few seconds if they could hear rustling inside. Silence.

    They went in, and in the middle of the room was a wooden office table with a computer on top. In the corner of the room, lying motionless, was a man dressed in a light green outfit, covered in blood with the top of his head missing, shotgun on his stomach. -Lets shut the door and never come back- Frank said, and Shaun agreed. The second room they entered was a storage room, nothing but empty shelves. They went up to the reception booth, and looked inside through the glass. -It is pretty hard to see inside, damn, lets see if there is anything useful there-.

    They carefully opened the door, and right in front of them was lying the body of a young woman, covered in blood and a bitemark on her arm. Shaun carefully went closer and touched her arm with the barrel of his rifle. She opened her eyes, they were grey and lifeless. Frank drove his axe through the monsters head, and felt immobilizing suffering and anger.

  2. #2

    Default Re: Just a non-military related story I wrote, please read

    Please, comment on this, I have not written this any longer as I do not know if it worth continuing.

  3. #3

    Default Re: Just a non-military related story I wrote, please read

    Something for your teacher to read.........! ? !
    Regards,


    Steve.

  4. #4

    Default Re: Just a non-military related story I wrote, please read

    There are not any around here that would quite understand the point of this

  5. #5

    Default Re: Just a non-military related story I wrote, please read

    Which is.........?
    Regards,


    Steve.

  6. #6

    Default Re: Just a non-military related story I wrote, please read

    I am writing this for the purpose of uploading it to the internet when (if) I get it ready and would just like the opinions of people who do not know me in person, so they could not judge the story on that. I am bad at explaining stuff

  7. #7

    Default Re: Just a non-military related story I wrote, please read

    Creative writing - good to 'get it out'.

    Still, better for school than here.........
    Regards,


    Steve.

  8. #8

    Default Re: Just a non-military related story I wrote, please read

    Thanks for that Its just the thing that I am only creative enough to write post apocalyptic or crime stories, whenever I think of writing something related to another thing my mind just blacks out and the piece of paper is blank.

  9. #9
    ?

    Default Re: Just a non-military related story I wrote, please read

    It has the basis of a decent short story. If you wanted to expand it and make it a longer tale you would need to expand it from the beginning ie; start off in Portugal with an innocent holiday maker on the beach etc etc.
    You then need give the reader all the details you want for them to continue reading and then add more as you build the story, take the reader along with you step by step.

    The layout and telling of the story has a good basis but would need some tweaking, the speaking parts for example need to be seperate and not contained in a paragraph. You will need to find some more descriptive words for 'monsters', you use that word way too much, it's too simple a word to describe these beings who are infected. The reader wants a mental picture of these creatures, not a generic term which could mean anything.

    Otherwise, if you feel you have more of it in you, continue writing!

    One more thing - I would've taken the shotgun from the dead guy in the light green outfit.
    Best Regards,
    Adrian.



    Looking for LDO marked EK2s and items relating to U-406.....

  10. #10

    Default Re: Just a non-military related story I wrote, please read

    That was good and informative feedback, thanks Adrian I planned to explain source of the infection as little as possible, in style of The Road (Which is one of my top 5 books). Also the style of lines spoken by the characters in The Road is very good, I am thinking if I would put the lines that way. And the 'monster' name I was thinking of changing to 'infected' or 'walkers', but they seemed a little too much of the style of all the other zombie movies and novels. But now that I think about it, it would be a good idea to call them 'infected' and 'walkers'.

    Thank you really much for the advice, they will help a lot if I continue the story
    Last edited by Poromies; 05-11-2012 at 09:03 PM.

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