Joke thread

[Adrian]

Thank you Ned.

[Sir Payne]

Why do French tanks have rear view mirrors? ..... so they can see the battlefront

[big ned]

The French President is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.

'Hallo, Mr. Hollande!' a heavily accented voice said. 'This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland . I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you! We voted to reject the Lisbon treaty!'
'Well Paddy, he replied. How big is your army?'

'Right now,' says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, 'there is meself, me Cousin Sean, me next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eleven!

Hollande paused. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command.'

'Begorra!' says Paddy. 'I'll have to ring you back.'

Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. 'Mr. Hollande, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some military equipment!'

'And what equipment would that be Paddy?' M.Hollande asks.

'Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor.'

Hollande sighs amused. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armoured personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke.'

'Saints preserve us!' says Paddy. 'I'll have to get back to you.'

Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. 'Mr. Hollande, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!'

Hollande was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!'

'Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!' says Paddy, 'I will have to ring you back.'

Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. 'Top o' the mornin', Mr. Hollande! I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war.'

'Really? I am sorry to hear that,' says M. Hollande. 'Why the sudden change of heart?'

'Well,' says Paddy, 'we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness and packets of crisps, and we decided there is no ******' way we can feed 200,000 prisoners.'

[big ned]

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance.Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the oasis only to find a Gunner selling regimental ties.The Taliban asked,

"Do you have water?"

The Gunner replied, "There is no water, the well is dry. Would you like to buy a tie instead? They are only £5."

The Taliban shouted, "You idiot infidel! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!"

"OK," said the Gunner, "It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find our Sergeant's Mess. It has all the ice cold water you need. Inshallah."

Cursing, the Taliban staggered away over the hill.Several hours later he staggered back, collapsed with dehydration & rasped......

"They won't let me in without a f****g tie......."

I'm on a roll...

[Jerry B]

Ned, you must have missed the other version of this joke (Irish vs French war) in post #10, though your version was much better presented, to be sure.

[big ned]

Last one (for today!)...Promise.

A long time ago, Britain and France were at war.

During one battle, the French captured an English colonel. They took him to their headquarters and the French general began to question him.

Finally, as an after thought, the French general asked,

"Why do you English officers all wear red coats? Don't you know the red material makes you easier targets for us to shoot at ?"

In his bland English way, the officer informed the general that the reason English officers wear red coats is so that if they are shot, the blood won't show, and the men they are leading won't panic.

And that is why, from that day to this, all French Army officers wear brown trousers.

[mauser98k]

Where did Hitler keep his armies?
Up his sleevies....

And another repost.
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[M18922]

An old Irish World War II Spitfire pilot and flying ACE, was speaking in a
church and reminiscing about his war experiences. "In 1942," he says, "the
situation was really tough. The Germans had a very strong air force I
remember," he continues, "one day I was protecting the bombers and
suddenly, out of the clouds, these Fokkers appeared."

There are a few gasps from the parishioners, and several of the children
began to giggle. "I looked up, and realized that two of the Fokkers were
directly above me. I aimed at the first one and shot him down. By then,
though, the other Fokker was right on my tail."

At this point, several of the elderly ladies of the church were blushing
with embarrassment, the girls were all giggling and the boys laughing
loudly.

The pastor finally stands up and says, "I think I should point out that
'Fokker' was the name of a German-Dutch aircraft company, who made many of
the planes used by the Germans during the war."

"Yes, that's true," says the old pilot, "but these fokkers were flying
Messerschmitts."

[Sir Payne]

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[KMMorris]

A plane with german paratroopers above Greece.

The instructor guides every single parachutist to the door and pushes him out.

"Come on , come on , come on !" "We dont have time to mess around !"

"Out with you cowards!" "Come on ! The next one ! go go go!"

But one of them resists to jump by all means. He kicks punches and screams, tries to stem his legs against the doorframe.

"Out with you !" "We have no time for cowards !"

At last, the instructor gives him a kick and he flies out of the door...

The remaining parachutists start to laugh..

"You think that was funny or what ?"

"Funny ? , yes indeed sir.....that was the pilot"
Then this one....